The love doctor returned to Life Mastery Radio this week. Dr. Gary Salyer is the author of Safe to Love Again, and he teaches his clients to do just that by helping them rewire their brains with an understanding of four important feelings.
The right to feel:
- Welcomed with Joy
- Worthy and Nourished
- Cherished and Protected
- Empowered with Choice
When you add up all these feelings you feel loved and can give love back.
“Babies have an attachment style by the time they’re 10 months old. If, as children, we experience all four feelings we become securely attached.”
Dr. Gary Salyer
Dr. Salyer told the story of his patient, Paul who had become insecurely unattached around the time he was four years old. Paul had learned that at some point, “Love will turn on me.”
Paul was twice divorced around the 10-year mark of each relationship. He lacked trust in each wife since he always knew at some point love would turn on him. He recognized the fault was his but didn’t know how to create lasting love.
Paul spoke of a family campout when, without any provocation or reason, his father walked over to him and began beating Paul. His father “turned against him” leaving Paul with the distinct feeling that at some point anyone who loved him would do the same.
At one session Paul’s older brother was with him as he retold the story.
Staring in complete shock, Paul’s brother spoke:
“You got it all wrong, Paul. I was at that campout and witnessed your pant legs catching on fire because you got too close to the flames. Dad jumped up and beat the flames out so you didn’t become a marshmallow. He didn’t turn on you! Dad saved your life!”
“Feelings are so powerful we often determine “our truth” which keeps us from seeing “THE truth”. The brain uses these early templates for all our relationships. The brain creates experience, and in Paul’s case set up levels of distrust by misinterpreting an experience.”
Dr. Gary Salyer
Dr. Salyer explained when the four feelings are not felt as children, we actually separate from our bodies and feelings without a right to exist.
He himself did not feel welcomed as a baby. Dr. Salyer’s mother was extremely disappointed he was not a girl. He was dressed in pink and went without a name for three weeks after his birth.
How did this manifest In Dr. Salyer? He didn’t feel cherished. His mother was abusive and unprotecting. Gary learned it was safer for him to be distanced from his mother, and he spent time playing in his room.
When he got married Dr. Salyer didn’t understand why his wife felt lonely. He was still practicing what he’d learned as a child: being distant is safe. The separation made his wife feel as though Dr. Salyer didn’t understand her. The figurative distance between them widened further and further until divorce was imminent.
“If you have fled from feelings as a child your brain is not set up to feel. I was blind as a bat without feelings. I was denying my wife the feelings of being cherished and welcomed.”
Dr. Gary Salyer
Dr. Salyer affirms: “If there are fights in a relationship it’s because one partner isn’t feeling one of these feelings:”
- Welcomed with Joy
- Worthy and Nourished
- Cherished and Protected
- Empowered with Choice
“Show me a couple without a WE, and I’ll show you a war. There has to be a WE, and worthy is what makes love go around. It’s a birthright. You were born worthy.”
Dr. Gary Salyer
When Dr. Gary works with individuals or couples, he helps them find the imprints – the big moments when the brain shaped an emotional experience.
“Find the flavor of safety the brain was seeking, and you’ll discover the feeling. Giving yourself the right to have these feelings and restoring them is what makes self-love possible. The brain will feel safe. Change the feeling and everything else changes. Feelings are the original GPS for love.”
Dr. Gary Salyer
A brain that is aligned with these four feelings easily creates a profound, intimate, deep, calming, and empowering WE. From this WE extraordinary couples are born, nurtured, and raised.
Watch videos on Dr. Sayler’s website he calls MESSAGES ABOUT LOVE. They are only 2-4 minutes in length and many couples report tremendous value by learning from them.
For even greater value – get his book: Safe to Love Again
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