Living with Integrity

by Coach Debby

It’s such a big word:  Integrity!  Wow – it sounds so bold and confident!  It’s right up there with Nobility or Royalty.  Fabulous word.

It was my coach, Alan Cohen, who really showed me that integrity is the adult version of honesty.

In a conversation with Alan, he summed it up neatly and said adults either claim integrity as part of their character or they simply don’t get it.  They either show their real face or they hide.

Naturally, kids look to adults to understand truth telling.  But again, Alan pointed out that, unconsciously, parents can be poor examples who chip away at a child’s sense of an accurate moral compass.

Parents taught us it was okay to lie because they included us in the so-called and harmless “little white lies.” 

Both Todd and I grew up with what seemed like baby fibs.

“My dad and I spent a lot of weekends working on the house and generating huge appetites.  Sometimes we’d head to the hardware store before dinner and grab a double scooped ice-cream cone on the way back.  It felt great going down, but we’d enter the house feeling guilty.  Dad always covered for us, “Oh, we were just running some errands.” Wink, wink.

Father and son have formed a pact – don’t tell your mother.  But girls have to endure the same thing from a busy mom who’s trying to do a million and one things around the house.

I was always the one at home who answered the phone (think old rotary 1970’s model). It was my job to check in with my mom before picking up that phone, and notoriously, she’d say, “If it’s for me, tell them I’m not here.”

I was the trusted secretary, and just like Todd, I loved having this pact with my entrusted parent.  It felt sneaky in a good way.

Yet all of these tiny ways of being leave an imprint, one that is very hard to undo.  

And it was an issue for Todd and I as we started dating.  I would catch myself rushing around, so I’d skip his call.  I also knew he was snacking before my delicious meals.

We had patterns, tiny little lies, and we were on the fast track to thinking we were very independent and did not have to account for all of our time.

At a retreat in Maui, Todd and I were listening to Alan share his wisdom and I wrote this down:

“Integrity is part of waking up.  You choose to close the gap between who you are and how you are living.” 

I noticed that he was not placing any blame on our examples.  His message was clear:  “You choose.”

Truly, there was my wake up call.  I knew I had little gaps.  I knew I had to get very real – become an adult! – and make sure I was not hiding.  Anything.

Todd always says, “Any of us can tell if we’re acting with integrity.  Just say something, and if you feel a little knot in your gut, ya missed it.”