Driven by Perfection

by Coach Debby

While working with a young writer, I was reminded of a time in my 20’s when I realized I would never be perfect. 

It was a heart-wrenching experience filled with shame.  It was like being stranded on a desert island with no food or friends.  I mean it when I say it left me feeling totally cut off from everything and everyone.

Perhaps I took my evolution too seriously? 

Most likely.  I was an excellent college student at the time.  I was earning my income as a waitress and giving a few bucks to the Humane Society each month to keep me from going to hell.

Certainly I would wake up perfect one day. Right?  I was busting my tail everyday!

Nope. It didn’t go that way.  I never “arrived.”  And this helped me empathize with my young student after I pierced her soul with my comment, “We give it our best, but we hurt ourselves when we expect complete perfection.”

She came out of the corner swinging.  “I didn’t just give it my best (add sounds of hysteria to get the full affect, here) I wrote an A+ paper!  Everyone loved my paper!”

Truly, she could have received an Oscar for her dramatic performance in my office.  That still did not make her perfect.

She was a good writer.  She received a good grade.  But what she wanted was a perfect score; she needed it to confirm she was a good person.

I could see in her eyes that her personal worth was totally on the line.

Isn’t it funny how we twist our performance and our worth into crazy little knots of extreme unhappiness?

One of the best reads to help me with this issue is by John Welwood, Toward a Psychology of Awakening.  He explained how our bodies, “store experiences” until we reach maturity and can process our raw memories.  We will never perfect our way of being, but in time, we come to terms with who we are.

According to Welwood, we give up our “old identity” and belief of being worthless sometimes decades after a crucial event takes place.

That was the case for me.  I had to tell my stories to a safe individual and get clear about my past in order to understand that life unfolds.

There is no rehearsal and rarely do things turn out perfectly.

Perhaps the big key is realizing that we want to be SEEN in the best light possible because it covers up something icky from the past.

Truth be told, we are all quite lovely. 

We deserve to feel good.  But it can’t happen when we are playing for a perfect score.  If we need our accomplishments to replace our feelings of lack about ourselves, it is a definite pointer to our past where a difficult memory resides.

I am reminded every day that I will never get it all right.  I’m not perfect.  But just like everyone else with an imperfect past, I am worthy.  

“Never forget that once upon a time, in an unguarded moment, you recognized yourself as a friend.”

― Elizabeth Gilbert