Article Originally Published at New World Library.
Communication between people is a multilayered process. Because of this fact, many of us feel inadequate in our attempts to understand others and be understood. Whenever any two people try to communicate, there are at least two levels to that communication: the overt, conscious message and the covert, hidden message. The overt message consists of the words we hear and the gestures we see. The hidden message has more to do with the intent behind the words. This is something we ordinarily overlook because we don’t have the language to deal with it. Consider this example: as Jay enters his assistant Roberta’s office, she announces, “I’m almost finished with the Power Point presentation. And then I’ll get to re-doing the promo piece for the trade show, and maybe if there’s time today, I’ll do the budget report leftover from Friday.” The overt message here is some information about what she is working on. What’s the hidden message? She is telling him that she is overwhelmed with too much to do, that he’d best not ask anything more of her today.
Jay receives and registers Roberta’s message on both levels. He hears her words. And he feels a discomfort in his gut — there’s something about her what she said that just doesn’t sit well with him. But, like most people, Jay has not been trained to put value on his subtler gut-level reactions. So he nods robotically and gives his usual reply: “Okay. Thanks for telling me.”
A communication like this leaves both people with a sense of incompleteness. There’s something between them that has not been acknowledged. The next time they are together, that unfinished business will affect how relaxed and connected they feel with each other. In time, as more and more of these incomplete communications recur, their communication channel will become more clogged.
If Jay had better communication skills, he might notice the uneasy feeling in his gut and comment on it instead of going on automatic. If he had access to what I call “the Seven Keys to Authentic Communication,” he might respond, “Hearing you say that, I feel uncomfortable. Are you telling me that you’re not available to take on any more work this week?”
Using the key phrase, “Hearing you say that, I feel…” gives Jay a lead-in to stay present to his feelings and thoughts about what he just heard. It helps him pay attention to his more deeply felt but subtler reactions, enabling him to respond in a more authentic way.
The Seven Keys
Here is a summary of the seven keys, along with brief descriptions of how and where you might use each.
Key #1: Hearing you say that, I feel…
When someone gives you feedback, offers an opinion, or comments about any shared experience, you are likely to have a feeling response even if you are not aware of it. This key prompts you to check in with yourself –your feelings and bodily sensations–before responding—so your response will be authentic rather than automatic.
Key #2: I want…
This phrase is meant to be followed by something specific that you want in this moment, for example: “I want you to listen until I’m finished before responding.”When you ask for what you want at a time when you are actually feeling it, the other can feel the clarity and energetic power of your contact. For this reason you are more likely to have your want fulfilled.
Key #3: I have some feelings to clear.
This statement opens the way for you to resolve uncomfortable feelings or unfinished business with someone. Doing so enables the two of you to get over whatever old business you have and get back to a more effective working relationship with each other. As you probably know, when you harbor “withholds,” you are not able to be fully present.
You probably have someone in your life with whom you have left things unresolved or incomplete. If you can bring yourself to at least begin the conversation by using this sentence, it’s a good first step to opening the topic up for discussion so it can eventually be put to rest.
Key #4: I’m getting triggered.
We all get our buttons pushed sometimes. This key phrase helps you recover from those moments when you automatically react aggressively or defensively. It helps you accept that you are not always completely present and self-aware. It gives you a quick and easy way to get yourself back into present time after one of your unconscious fear buttons has been pushed.
When you have this key ready to put into practice whenever you overreact, you have a way of buying time to check in, get reconnected with yourself, and perhaps revise your earlier response.
Key #5: I appreciate you for…
This phrase prompts you to express in specific terms your gratitude for something someone did or said. It lets someone know how her behavior impacted you. As such, it’s also a great way to show the other how you like to be dealt with. And it prompts you to celebrate the things you are grateful for — even small things.
When someone says or does something that you appreciate, tell him or her right then and there. This brings the two of you into powerful, positive present-time contact.
Key #6: I hear you, and I have a different perspective.
This compound sentence is useful when two people have a difference in needs or views. Many people fear differences. They see these as a threat. But, if worked with consciously, differences can lead to more innovative or sustainable solutions. This sentence helps people center themselves in the reality that there are two points of view going on in their discussion. And it helps people learn to hang in there through the uncomfortable period of ambiguity that occurs while partners are working out .
Key #7: Can we talk about how we’re feeling?
If two people are going to learn from an experience, especially a difficult or frustrating one, they need to be able to “stop the action,” step back, and witness that experience. You could say something like, “Can we take a look at what’s happening? I’m feeling frustrated with this conversation. How about you?” That would be your lead-in to stepping back, “rewinding the tape,” and looking together at what just happened to see if either of you would like to change anything.
Making the Seven Keys Yours
Now that you know these seven key phrases, the next step is to make them yours by practicing them with the significant people in your life. You might pass along this article (or the book, Saying What’s Real) to someone in your life and explain that you would like to have a relationship where you both commit to clearing the air and keeping it clear.
Based on the book Saying What’s Real. Copyright © 2005 Susan M. Campell. Reprinted with permission of H J Kramer/New World Library, Novato, CA. www.newworldlibrary.com.
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